Truth be told.

It was a Thursday.

 

I noticed a couple walk into the waiting room and I welcomed the distraction. I could only guess that she was about 20 weeks along. Her husband was with her and that was the dead giveaway… ultra sound visit! I could tell right away she was a lot like me. Her face said it all. Cautious smiles, suppressed anxiety and a flood of excitement and fear all at once. Ultra sound appointments are everyone’s favorites! The gender secret is let out of the bag and it’s a down hill ride from there, but for me, and I could guess for this mother to be as well, ultra sounds are nerve racking event that can only be enjoyed once you know all is well inside your growing womb.

As they walked back to the ultra sound room I said a silent prayer for them. “Heavenly Father, Bless them with good news. Bless their sweet little baby to be healthy and strong and perfect in every way.” I was so nervous for them. I remember thinking that their lives could be changed forever in a matter of minutes if they found out something was wrong. I sat there wondering and waiting and hoping for the best for them. I’m strange like that. I occupied my mind with their situation selfishly because I was so desperate for a distraction from my own.

20 min. passed and I saw beaming faces turn the corner. I felt a sense of relief. Smiles mean good news. Smiles mean life will be normal and a healthy baby is on its way. I couldn’t help but smile myself and a new relaxed feeling overwhelmed me. Perfect strangers gave me that tiny little gift that day. For those few minutes before my appointment I was content and calm.

Finally it was my turn to be seen by my o.b. I had put this appointment off as long as I could but your first prenatal appointment is hard to not think about every single day. 8 weeks along and there I was lying on the table with cold gel on my stomach and  a reassuring doctor hovering over me. He could tell I was nervous.  Words of encouragement and a “let’s get this show on the road” attitude got the appointment moving.

It’s amazing how fast your doctors mood can change with a simple glace at a sonogram screen. Poor guy had to force a smile and try to convince me that his machine was better suited for a medical museum then for an exam room.  He shuffled me over to the ultra sound room where a sweet gentle woman greeted me with large sad eyes and a tight narrow smile. I knew already that something was wrong. Truth be told… I knew all morning.

My heart ached for this ultra sound technician as much as it ached for me. I held my breath as she pressed on my stomach, adjusted her angels and measured an empty spot on the screen. I begged her in my mind not to have to say it. I stared into the back of her head and tried to make her know how sorry I was to have to make her share bad news. ” I’m afraid I don’t have good news for you, honey.” she said. And right then I inhaled a lifetime’s worth of air and slowly let it leak out with cries and tears and all the fear that had been pent up inside me for months now.

She held my hand.

I tried to breath.

I looked for Mike but remembered I came alone.

The whole morning came full circle. I was all of a sudden the patient who’s life just changed in a matter of moments.

 

Not again. Please! Not again.

It was only a few months before I experienced my first miscarriage. Late March, as I walked the streets of San Fransisco while on vacation, I started bleeding. I remember telling myself then that I joined a club…a club no one wants to be a member of but in reality, this club is larger then anyone wants it to be.  1 in 4 pregnancy’s end in miscarriage. This was my 1 in 4.

So why? Why I am here again lying on a table with a sweet lady holding my hand telling me there isn’t a heartbeat? I met my statistic. It’s 1 in 4 not 2 in 5!!!

I drove home feeling empty. I was scripting my phone call to my husband but I could never get past the  “Hello.” How do you tell your husband that once again it’s not to be. It took us forever to feel like a 4th was in the cards for us. Twice we made that important decision. Twice we were thrilled with the news of being pregnant and now twice we were left with nothing.

 

It was a Friday.

That next morning we woke up. Dressed. Dropped the kids off and drove to the hospital. Mike held my hand as I nuzzled into his shoulder in the waiting room and cried quietly. It’s the oddest feeling in the world to know that in a matter of hours a precious part of you, a hope for the future, a baby or what was suppose to be, will be removed from your body. I leaked tears from the moment I woke up that morning till I kissed Mike  goodbye just outside of my operating room.

I woke up and felt a feeling I had never in my life felt before. It was so heavy. It was dark and lonely and empty. I wept. I whaled. I cried out in such sorrow that even I didn’t recognize the sounds coming from myself. I ached for what I thought I was going to have and what I was suppose to be.  I was lost in my own body.

Two days later I posted I was taking a summer blogging break. Truth be told, I was recovering from a broken heart.

The second miscarriage hit us both so much harder. My first one I expelled the pregnancy naturally. I was more accepting of my fate and chalked it up to statistics and natures way of “blah blah blah”…. But when it happens to you twice, back to back, you question everything. Is this a sign? Will it happen again? Should we try again? Is something wrong with me? I have no answers. I am scared and I’ve been pregnant off and on since Feb. so my hormones aren’t helping the matter much!

 

It was a Wednesday.

Two and half weeks after my D&C I laid in bed in horrible pain. The day before I tried my hand at my very first Spin class and it kicked my butt! I had only been cleared for exercise for 4 days and I thought I just over did it. At 4 am I woke and soaked in the tub to try to help relieve my aches . At 6 am I woke again and soaked in another hot bath. I thought I started my period the day before so I wasn’t surprised when I noticed I had to change my tampon. I took a Motrin and tried to go back to sleep.

Minutes later I was back in the bathroom taking care of some strange heavy bleeding. By 7:30 I had gone through 6 tampons and was starting to drop fist sized blood clots. Something was wrong and once again we were heading back to the hospital.

Mike and I spent our 10 year anniversary in the ER. I was failing every test they gave me. My heart rate was as high as 150 and dipping down to 70. I was clotting and gushing blood and the medication they gave me wasn’t working. I was calmly freaking out inside as I thought the worst and tried to concentrate on not passing out. I had never seen so much blood. Mike was scared. I was scared and the doctors had no answers.

Blood work came back and showed that I was pregnant. What the FREAK!!! Vaginal exams and internal and external ultrasounds were ordered. Not the funnest exams to have when you are literally leaking blood at the same rate as a slow urine stream. More crying. More worry.

All of a sudden the situation turned urgent and it was determined that the only way to stop my bleeding was to do an emergency D&C. I was quickly rushed over to an O.R. and all of a sudden anger and fear filled me.  Why am I having to experience this? Haven’t I been through enough? This time around I felt scared that the operation wouldn’t work, that they would have to remove my uterus or that I would simply die 10 years to the date after I started my life with Mike. The irony was killing me!

This operation was more extensive then the first. My blood loss made my recovery much harder. I wasn’t experiencing the sorrow like last time but frustration and fear that something else was wrong filled my thoughts.

During all of this we told very few people. I couldn’t talk about it. It was still so raw and felt like a deep wound that wasn’t healing. I all of a sudden became that “needy fragile” friend and I was embarrassed. Just when I felt the sunlight on my face again something would go wrong. Just when I started feeling a hint of normalcy I slipped down a slope and the climb back looked  so daunting.

Besides all of the pain and heartache that I’ve been feeling I can’t even begin to describe the looming question marks that hover over my head every day now. I am scared to death  to get pregnant again but equally scared to let my fear dictate my future.

I am not who I was 6 months ago. I miss who I was before I became so consumed with getting pregnant and staying pregnant. I pray for a clear head. I pray for a day where I don’t think about what I don’t have and what seems to be what everyone around me is blessed with. I pray to not focus on my two due dates that will come and go with no celebration. I pray to not be jealous and angry and confused. I pray to figure out the lesson I am suppose to be learning. I feel shameful for not seeing it.  Shouldn’t it be so clear when it hurts so much? Open my eyes, Heavenly Father! Speak to my heart. Fill me with an understanding.  This is my prayer every. Single. Day.

 

Time does heal. Over these last few weeks I have been working hard on moving forward. Exercise has been the best natural anti depressant a girl could ask for. I am shocked at how much I enjoy going to the gym. I think it’s my bodies way of  willing me to keep the good endorphins coming. Sharing all of this has helped as well even thought it’s taken me a while to open up. Every time I share my story it feel like the knot in my stomach has been unwound a little more.  I know this will become easier. I know we will get the clarity we are looking for. It’s just going to take more time.

So I apologize if I’ve not been myself. I appreciate all the love and support I have gotten from close friends and family and readers who have reached out to check in on me. It means more to me then you will ever know.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

216 Comments

Comments

  1. 1

    What a powerful account of what you’ve been through. I pray God would fill you with his peace right now. Thanks for sharing the most intimate details of your life – I am sure other women have been in similar situations and this will speak to their hearts.
    Stacey of Embracing Change

  2. 2

    I’m so sorry.

  3. 3

    Oh Honey, I understand. I’m a 1 in 4 statistic. The fear, anxiety, stress, shame is over whelming. Remember you will feel better. A miscarriage is a devastating experience, I couldn’t even imagine trying to cope with 2. Take all the strength and comfort you can from family, friends and loves ones during this difficult time.

  4. 4

    You poor thing, how terrible it is to want to be pregnant and have a baby and not be able to do this. I am so sorry for you, always remember your hubby loves you and pull tight during times like this. I believe God has a plan for you, what that is, remains to be seen…This post had to be difficult to write, hopefully it brings you healing – and a new chapter to your life…many blessings to you!

  5. 5

    I am so saddened by your losses and thinking about during this difficult and dark time. My sister had a late miscarriage recently and the procedure, hospital stay, and everything about it was just awful and sad. My heart goes out to you. I wish you much love and support.

  6. 6

    Oh, I am so sorry. In a perfect world no one should have to go through this, but unfortunately it isn’t a perfect world.
    In my first marriage I got pregnant and had the perfect baby girl. Long story short, I went through a divorce and then met and married my husband of 15 years now. We immediately started trying to have children. I got pregnant and 5 weeks into it I miscarried. I had no idea what a miscarriage was and how it could happen to me. It just took me by shock. A few months later I got pregnant again, 7 weeks later, I miscarriage. What? Pregnancies end it giving birth to perfect child. This is what I had experienced with my daughter so I couldn’t understand. They couldn’t find anything wrong with me either. We decided to step back and hold off a little bit. A year went by and we decided to try again. Instantly I was pregnant. Everything seemed fine. 16 weeks I started going into labor at home and miscarried in my bathroom. There laid a precious little 16 week old baby, lifeless. THAT one hit home and hurt like I’ve never felt before. Why me? Why us? Time did heal and 4 months after that ordeal I was pregnant again. But I had such peace that I KNEW everything was going to be okay. They did a gazillion ultra sounds on me “just to make sure.” I wasn’t complaining, because I wanted to just make sure as well. So 9 years after the birth of my daughter and 3 miscarriages later a healthy 9lb 4 oz. baby boy was born. and 3 years after that a healthy 11lb. 2.5 oz baby boy was born.
    My point of telling you this, is to not give up. I can’t explain why things happen but I will tell you that the pain you experienced with the miscarriage will just make you love the ones you will have even more.
    Praying for peace and comfort to fill you.

  7. 8

    So sorry for your losses, no one can understand a pregnancy loss unless they have experienced one. Take the time you need to grieve the loss. Thank you for sharing your personal story so other mothers know they are not alone.

  8. 9

    it took a lot of courage to write this and post it for all the world to see, thank you so much for sharing it. I have no idea how difficult this has been for you, not having ever miscarried. I have, however, got a clue on the “one thing after another” thing you are talking about (5 people in my family died in less than three years, including my 5 yr old son and my husband)….it changes us to have so much happen that we don’t understand. I believe that in the end we are better people for what we have gone thru, but the getting thru is daunting. I am sending you prayers and hugs and asking for peace in your heart.

    • 10

      I am so sorry for your losses. Losing a child and a husband is my worst nightmare. Sending you hugs and love and thanks for your sweet comment. I find hope in knowing that you are ok. I am sure it’s still not easy but I can feel your hope. Thanks!

  9. 11

    So Sorry For All The Heart Break You Are Going Through But We Serve An Amazing God Who Can Take All The Hurt And Pain Away and Restore You I’m Praying For You and Your Family, May God Bless You and Keep You, May His Face Shine Upon You.

  10. 12

    My prayers are with you. I have also been there and it is not until you suffer through a miscarriage that you truly understand the pain. I have thought often of this over the years and realize that there is no mourning except by the parents themselves, because I believe life begins at conception I suffered the loss of a child I would never hold. That was a very real loss for me. I also felt so guilty because I had two healthy children at home and there were many others who did not have that.
    That was over 15 years ago, and I have a beautiful fourteen year old daughter. God did bless me with another child and I thank Him for that.
    But today I mourn with you, because you have lost not one but two children. God Bless You.

  11. 14
    Patricia Weitzel says:

    I’m a 2 in 4. I will definitely keep you in my prayers. It is a horrible thing to go through, and go through, and go through. It often times seems like no one wants to hear about it past the first week or so. If you ever need to talk, or need a shoulder to cry on, you send me a note and I will get right back with you. God is the Almighty Healer and Comforter, but if you need someone a lot less mighty, let me know.

  12. 16

    Becca, I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you have been through. Sending positive thoughts and prayers to you and your family.
    gail

  13. 17

    I am so sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like you have really great family & friends around you, which is a really big blessing. I hope things will get better soon.

  14. 18

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so sorry to hear about your losses (and to think, I was thinking all summer how cool it was for you to be able to take a break and spend time with your family–even if I did miss your blog.) You and your family will be in my prayers.

  15. 19

    …so sorry…

  16. 20

    Becca, I will be sending you a private message shortly. My goodness girl, I had no idea!! I am sending you virtual hugs and A LOT OF THEM!
    Jenni

  17. 21

    I am sorry to hear about your losses. I have been there and know some of your pain. I am praying for you.

  18. 22
    Sharon @ Elizabeth & Co. says:

    I am so sorry. I’m a 2 in 4 statistic and I know the heartbreak that you are feeling. I can tell you that the pain will lessen. And although it will always be a part of your life story, it’s not the whole story. Take care of yourself and be well.

  19. 24

    I will pray for you. There are no words that make it feel better or easier. I’m a statistic too, and it’s just not fair.

  20. 26

    I am so sorry! I don’t even know what to say. Hugs!

  21. 27

    So sorry to read about your experiences. It’s very brave of you to share this with the world and I hope by sharing it, the healing continues for you.

  22. 28

    I am so sorry that you had to go through that two times. I know how hard it has been since I have been through it a few times. My hubby and I have been TTC for 10 years. We have no children after going through painless procedures, fertility drugs, shots….etc. We have recently come to the conclusion that children are just no in our future. We tried to go through the adoption procedure but had financial issues. My husband hurt his back at home, not at work and he was let go and did not work for two years. Between us moving for my job, moving back, losing our house, moving to a new house……I could go on. LOL Anyways what we found is that what we have been through most couples would have fought and divorced. We leaned on each other, when one of us stumbled the other one held on tight to prevent the fall. We are more in love with each other than before. My husband is such a wonderful man, the fertility issues are all me, he said he married me because he loves me, not to create a family. We are each others best friends and I think that God steared him to me because he knew we needed each other and help each other through this. Luckily my sister lives right next door so I get to play with my nephew and niece all the time. I will pray God gives you the strength to get through this. I am so sorry you had to experience this pain.

  23. 30
    Kendall Schenck says:

    Keep you chin up!!! I’m also a 1-4. I know your felling as well. You will feel your self again!!! After our miscarrige, it helped when I had ladies tell me their story. (I wasn’t the only one who this happends to) It was around 4 months for me to feel back on track. You will get there!!! Sending prayers to you!!!

  24. 32

    I am so very sorry for your losses. I have a dear friend who is going through the exact (and I do mean exact) same thing. I am a new reader, but I just read this in my devotional this morning: When we simply cannot understand why God allows circumstances that threaten to overwhelm us, it’s good to remember that He has our good and His glory in mind. I pray that offers some sort of comfort to you today! God Bless!

  25. 34

    So very sorry. It’s a heartbreak that you never quite heal from. Sending prayers your way….

  26. 35

    I’m so sorry. My heart truly aches for you. I too have had 2 losses, one so different from the other. I never thought I’d come out the other side of that heartache, anger and depression but I made it. Thinking of you and wishing you the best!

  27. 37

    Oh Becca! I am so sorry to hear what you have been going through. I have been there, and I know how consuming it can be. We experienced 2 miscarriages and the loss of our 2nd son at birth, and it was a tough couple of years. I am so thankful that God brought me through that time, and eventually He gave us another son who was perfectly healthy. You haven’t been yourself, and you may never be that person again, but you can gains strength and a new clarity through it all. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Just know that you aren’t alone.

    • 38

      Oh Crystal! There is healing in telling my story and a greater understanding of compassion for others. My heart aches for you but I must thank you for sharing your story. Hugs hugs hugs!

  28. 39

    God bless you and the little family you are becoming. Just because you don’t have the child yet does not mean that you are not already parents. Because you are. You two are parents more than most people who have children are. I will pray for you to get through these tough times.

  29. 40

    This post was so moving. Thinking of you both x

  30. 41

    I’ve been there too, I never thought I’d be able to be completely happy again after that… it still hurts, I still cry, and when that day comes each year I need a few hours to myself. But, I have found happiness, and peace… it just took time. My prayers are with you, and I wish I could just give you a hug so that you know someone understands. If we knew each other IRL I would happily sit with you and let you talk as long as you wanted, it is never an easy thing to loose a child, even worse if you can’t talk about it. Just know Heavenly Father loves you, he hurts with you and wants you to be happy. We may not understand why things happen the way that they do, but I promise that things will work out as long as you have faith. You will hold your sweet children one day. you will raise them and nurture them. *hugs*

  31. 43

    Your story just about broke my heart. I feel absolutely horrible for what you have gone through. So many people take for granted the fact that they can get pregnant, have a healthy pregnancy and deliver a wonderful little baby. Your statistics floored me. I truly, truly hope that things get better for you and that a little bundle of joy will be delivered into your arms – healthy, happy and just waiting to be a child to a woman who will make an absolutely wonderful mother.

  32. 44

    Praying for peace and joy for you, your husband, and your family.

  33. 45

    Oh, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for your pain and I pray that you will feel the love that surrounds you and make it through this tough time in you life. I pray that the desires or your heart will be answered.

  34. 46

    I have a lump in my throat as I contemplate what to write… I am so sorry for the pain that you have been going through. My story of miscarriage is very similar to your first one & I was also by myself at the ultrasound appointment when I heard the dreaded news. Even though the statistics are high, I felt so alone because all of my close friends had oodles of kids & never experienced a single loss. Although it was a very difficult time, I found comfort in the thought that one day I will get to meet my perfect baby in Heaven! I pray that God will comfort your fear, calm your anxieties, & give you the peace & clarity you need to understand his plan. Just sharing your story here will give hope to the many women who have experienced similar losses & understanding to those who have never had to experience this pain. I am glad to hear you are starting to move forward!

  35. 48

    I’m so sorry for your losses.

  36. 49

    Becca, I’m so sorry. On some level, I can totally relate. Before we had our oldest, we had a miscarriage, followed by an ectopic pregnancy a month later that resulted in emergency surgery and loss of one of my tubes. It is incredibly disheartening, and something no one can fully understand unless they have experienced it. I’d never wish it on anyone, and hate to hear of all you’ve been through. I’m so glad that you’ve found a good outlet in exercise, and hope the time off from blogging has given you time to enjoy your family and time to heal. Lots of loves and hugs, girl!

  37. 51

    I am so sorry for your losses. I know personally how hard that is. I had 3 miscarriages in a row too and didn’t know if I’d be able to have any kids. It seemed to get harder each time. I also was alone the 3rd time I got the bad news, and my nice doctor let me cry on his shoulder. It was hard for me to talk about it or deal with it at the time, but 11 years and 4 kids later, I realize it was an experience that has given me empathy and humility–even though we don’t really know why it happened. I wish you peace and comfort as you continue on in life!

    • 52

      Oh Michele, I don’t think I could survive a third, but I never thought I could survive a second and here I am. Thanks for sharing your journey. I am filling lifted up with each and every comment and i appreciate yours.

  38. 53

    Oh Becca,
    I am so, so sorry for your losses. This is where I want to reach out and tell you the perfect words that will be comforting and filled with hope, happy or even funny — but I have none — other than to say that you’re in my prayers. I’m a member of the 3 loss club too, and it sucks. I, too, hated the yo-yo of heartbreak, fear, resentment, broken, pleading for answers, calm, fine and then just sad … all within minutes. I didn’t want to be the needy friend that everyone tip-toed around, but other times I desperately needed someone to reach out and just say, “I care.” So from across the blog-world (and I-15) … sending love and prayers your way as your heart and body mend.

    • 54

      Nike, You did say the perfect things! I’m most afraid of being that needy friend. The one no one can share their happy pregnancy moments with, the one no one can bring up baby talk. It hurts to hear but hurts to be excluded from so what can I do. I tip toe around my own feeling so it’s next to impossible to expect others not to. You get it. So sorry for your losses. Sadly it’s a lesson in compassion and empathy that we only learn in this capacity.

  39. 55

    Thank you for sharing you experience in such a candid way. I had a miscarriage as well in OCT and have been trying to get pregnant since then. And I agree that it seems like everyone around me is blessed with what I want so bad. I hope for the both of us that are prayers are answered.

  40. 57

    I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I know it all to well. It’s something you just don’t understand until you have gone through it. This was so beautifully written. I think it’s great you took a blog break and time for your self. I do know that time heals so much.

  41. 59

    I’m sitting at my computer crying.

    There are no words to express how sorry I am that you’ve had to endure all this heartache and sorrow. It isn’t fair.

    I hope someday the sky will clear and all this pain will just be a sad memory.

    Until then, I’m praying for you.

  42. 60

    Before I comment, I want to tell you about my other blog…

    http://iloveyoumorethanpeanutbutter.blogspot.com

    I have not posted on it for a while, but I want you to go and see the beautiful faces that God blessed us with that weren’t from my tummy, but from my heart. After our first son was born, I was unable to conceive and my heart was broken…I felt like such a failure. As my medical situation grew worse, I had to have a complete hysterectomy at a young age. I wondered why I was having to go through all of this…what was God trying to teach me?? I was hurt, angry, confused and sooooo sad. God soon led me down a wonderful path..HIS perfect plan for my husband and for me. We followed HIS wonderful plan and adopted 3 children (at different times) from Russia. They are such a JOY and an enormous BLESSING and we would not have gone through with HIS plan for us if I was able to have children…HE shut the door so that we would be pushed in the direction HE had planned for us…His plans are perfect. I don’t know if you are being called to adopt…but maybe? Just something to throw at you. Sometimes through suffering, He uses us for his purpose…even though it is terrribly painful…we can look back later and see that it was PERFECTION. God bless you and your sweet family. I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this.

    XO, Kristine

  43. 63

    I can completely relate to you. I have had 5 beautiful healthy children and then got pregnant in Jan of 2009, miscarried at 6 weeks. Then pregnant again in April of 2009 miscarried at 16 weeks in August. Then the next year I got pregnant in March and miscarried at 20 weeks in August again. No answers. Just that it was probably a heart problem and we would never know. The dates pass and only you remember that you were supposed to have a baby that day. You cry and hold your children close. The only thing I know for certain is those babies are mine, forever. They needed me and will again, but not now. It is hard, I dream of them. We know the last one was a boy, and I feel the ones before were girls. But that is all I have. I know by going thru this I can help others deal with the suffering and heart break and pain. I have been there. I have wept like never before and cried out the the Lord for answers at first then to carry me because I couldn’t continue on my own at that time. He indeed already was carrying me. Looking back I can see that. Because I couldn’t have make it with out him. I made a little picture frame with the words peace and three tiny sets of foot prints in it so they will not be forgotten and as a way of having them in my home. It helped to have something of them on the wall. You and your family are in my prayers. It is so hard for the children as well. They know those spirits and sense they are supposed to be in your home. But I understand the fear of getting pregnant and the hard decision of deciding are we done or not. I am so sorry for all you have had to go thru!

  44. 65

    Ah Becca, I’m so sorry! I’m in the club too. 2 miscarriages, 2 d&cs, but before I ever had any children. It was the darkest time in my life. My 3rd pregnancy was healthy and so was my 4th.

    We all tend to share our battle stories at times like this. I hope you realize you’re not alone as a result. Much love to you my friend, I wish you all the healthy babies you can handle in the future!

  45. 67

    So sorry to hear about this. My hubby and I tried unsuccessfully for 9 years to get pregnant, and for no reason at all, we never succeeded. We were blessed to adopt our two sons and to this day still have no idea why pregnancy is impossible for us. Though it has been incredibly hard, I am thankful to have two healthy boys and to not have experienced what many of my friends have, which is the loss of a child. The lord must think very highly of you to give you such a trial and I know you will be able to bless many others with your experiences. I hope everything makes sense for you some day :D

  46. 69

    Love you Becca! You are really a gifted writer. So sorry that all of this has happened to you and Mike and your beautiful family! Praying for you always!

    • 70

      Amy, thanks for being one of those sweet friends who has been sending my love and support all this time. I’ve needed you and you’ve been there for me! Our little group has been my life line for these past few months and you all will never know how much I needed to hang on to you guys!

  47. 71

    I’ve been staring at the comment box for 10 minutes. I don’t even know what to say! I want to write I’m so sorry for your losses, but that seems incredibly lame compared to what you’ve gone through. I do think you’re beyond brave to share your story. I know it will help other women who have gone through similar events. Giant hugs to you, and I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

  48. 72

    Your story also made me cry I’m sadly a member too I’m a 4 in 4. My first miscarriage I barely knew I was pregnant so I wasn’t quite as upset, these things happen you know. We hadn’t really been trying but once I miscarried I knew I wanted a baby. The second time I was so excited I too thought I was done one was enough. I was away at a family reunion when I started to bleed I and I knew that it was happening again. The third time all was great I made it to my first ultrasound I was so excited I would finally get to see our baby. Much like you there was nothing mummers from the tech and doctor brought in to break the news. There was empty sac nothing the baby was gone and my body didn’t even realize it, see the empty womb broken my heart, I thought maybe I just wasn’t meant to have children. I didn’t have to endure I d&c I was my doctor gave me a pill that helped my body do what it was supposed to do but it was a long painful night. The 4th time I made to 11 weeks so close to that safe point, when I woke up in a pool of blood in horrible pain. A trip to the ER and 8 hours later I was again left with that empty feeling and no reassurance from the Doctors at what had gone wrong.

    After 4 miscarraiges my Doctor thought I should get checked out to make sure that there was nothing wrong with me I was so scared it was my fault that something else was wrong with me( I carry a rare genetic condition that can be passed on to any boys I have). It was October the doctor then started to run some tested and my husband I decided to wait until December to try again. The doctor called me back in a few weeks to say he couldn’t do further testing because I was pregnant! I was terrified that it wold happen all over again and I didn’t think my body or my heart could take it, as all 4 happened in the same year. Thankful everything was prefect no problem My daughter was born happy and healthy. I have 3 kids now and I haven’t had another miscarriage since the 4 before my oldest daughter. I hope it all works out for you and that you know you are not alone.

  49. 74

    There are no words that will heal your heart, but know that there are people praying for you that you have never met. I have no idea of the amount pain you have gone through. I know that exercise has always been a big stress reliever in my life and it is good for your body. I can only say to know that God will bring you through this time and the bigger picture will be come clear in time. May He bless you and your husband with His peace that passes understanding, may He keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

  50. 76

    Becca I’m so so sorry! I’m sorry you’ve gone through this but so thankful you’ve shared your story. I’m a one in four – and I so understand your feelings after that D & C – I had to have one too. I’m so looking forward to the day when we can meet our little ones waiting for us in heaven.
    Praying for you and Mike for healing and peace. Love you!

  51. 78

    Becca, so so sorry for all that you’ve been going through. I miscarried at 13 weeks and I know the pain that comes with that type of loss. You’re in my prayers!

    • 79

      Hugs Andrea. A Loss that late I imagine is all the more painful so my heart aches for your pain. I appreciate your kindness and feel the support of those like you who know how this pain feels.

  52. 80

    I’m so sorry, Becca. I know just how you are feeling having gone through 2 miscarriages also after 2 healthy pregnancies. I know that there are really no words but know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers. {{{HUGS}}}

  53. 82
    Kisha Campbell says:

    Thank you so much for sharing your story… I really appreciate it. I pray that things will turn up for you soon. May Heavenly Father bless you and your family…. but So glad you have found an outlet in the gym!

  54. 83

    Becca, I’m so sorry for you and your husband. What a heartbreaking ordeal. I know that God loves you and has a plan for you and your family, although at times like this it can feel like you’ve been forsaken. Cling to your faith and your love for each other. You will get through this a little at a time. You have my thoughts and prayers for your continued strength.

  55. 84

    I am so sorry to hear about this! You are very strong and brave to share your story with others and that will also help you heal. I am glad you are in a better place with it now but I am sure the worrying is always poking at you.
    I wish I could say that I understand how you feel but I am on the complete opposite spectrum. My husband and I have been trying for what will be 3 yrs come November with NO success. So instead of worrying about carrying a baby to term, I am just worrying about ever getting pregnant at all before I can even think about carrying a baby to term.
    And my sister is actually in a rough boat currently. She is 20 weeks pregnant and had one of those bad news ultrasound. The baby is measuring WAY TOO SMALL so they had to do an amnio last week to try to find out what is wrong but they don’t think the baby will survive.

    Big hugs to you! Hope you continue to heal and good things come your way!

  56. 86
    stephanie says:

    I am so so sorry, know you are not alone. I too have gone through two very painful miscarriages, I know nothing can really give you comfort right now. My prayers are with you and my heart just aches knowing that feeling. All my love to you and your husband.

  57. 88

    I am so sorry you had to go through this and are continuing to go though it. This sounds all to familiar and I admire your strengh. One blessing I’ve found is how precious your other children suddenly become not that you didn’t think that already but you start to relize they truly are a miracle. I’ll be praying for you and time really does help.

  58. 89

    Becca, I am so sorry. You have joined a club. Not one any of us wish or choose to be in. It is painful. Heartbreaking. Devasting. I cried the whole way into my D&C last year too. When we lost our baby we were at such a loss of words. We had truly turned over our family planning to our Heavenly Father. We had a 13 year old and an 8 year old and we put all our faith in our Heavenly Father. I got pregnant the first month. That had never happened before. It usually took me over a year to get pregnant. At 11 weeks…we lost the baby. I couldn’t figure out why if we let Him decide if we should have another child….why He then took it away from us. I realized for me, it was a test of my faith. To add a child when ours were already so big was a huge leap of faith. And what I decided the reasoning for taking it away…..All this shall give thee experience. It was the only phrase of words that I could think of. Repeated often in my head as I listened to a song entitled…All is Well. I grew, I changed, I was more empathetic. I now belonged to a club that only those in it know the heartbreak and strangely I was thankful.

    Time does heal. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Your honesty will bless others. Hugs and loves, my friend.
    ♥ april

  59. 91

    Thank you for sharing your story. I, too, have suffered a miscarriage and even though I was not the only person to have ever gone through that terrible and horrible experience, I still felt alone. We knew at our first 8-week ultrasound that the baby was not going to survive, but didn’t know when “it” would happen. I suffered alone, as I didn’t tell anyone other than family (who don’t even live anywhere close by) that I was even pregnant in the first place. Therefore, my husband, 3 year old daughter, and I suffered in silence. We had three more ultrasounds to see if the baby had passed away, and it wasn’t until I was almost 12 weeks along did the baby finally pass away. We had a scheduled D&C in the morning, but I lost the baby at home the night before (my husband was teaching that night and so I was alone with our daughter, who watched something no child should ever have to witness!) I FINALLY had the courage to call my visiting teacher and ask for help, as I couldn’t get a hold of my husband! She stayed with me until my husband got home and took me to the ER and stayed with our daughter until we got home. It was DEVASTATING! It was not easy for us to get pregnant in the first place, so it was a terrible blow to our little family. It took us over a year (15 months after the miscarriage) to finally get pregnant again and that event has been on my mind every day since. We have our 20-week ultrasound on Thursday, the 1st, and I am scared to death. I have not felt this baby move at all and we have not yet heard the heartbeat, so this ultrasound is quite scary for me. Our doctor insists that the baby is fine and everything is going according to plan, but until we hear the strong heartbeat and actually get confirmation from the ultrasound, I will not truly feel “okay” about this pregnancy. It took me quite a long time to let people know that we had a miscarriage; it took time for me to heal, but it does get better. I am glad that you have found something you love to do (and is good for you) to help you continue to move forward. Hug the three little girls you have and know that Heavenly Father will bless you beyond your wildest imagination, even though it might be tough to think about that right now.

    Thanks again for sharing your story; I know it couldn’t have been easy, but hopefully it helped to heal a piece of your broken heart.

    • 92

      First of all congratulations on this pregnancy. I am sure that you have not been able to relax and I pray that Thursday gets here sooner then you know it to give you the comfort you need. Your prolonged miscarriage sounds so horrible. My first one I expelled naturally and knew how painful and scary that was so that’s why I chose teh D&C route even though it felt so wrong to go and sweep it away. Because my baby only measured 6 weeks at my 8 week check up I knew that the baby didn’t progress after 6 weeks and becasue I hadn’t started to miscarry on my own by 8 weeks we were all afraid my body was hanging on to it and didn’t know how long I’d have to wait till it did. The thought of waiting for days or weeks was more then I could handle.

      Thanks for sharing your story! Sending you good baby vibes.

  60. 93
    sangeetha says:

    Dear Becca -

    So sorry that you had to feel all this pain. Having been on the receiving end, I can totally understand and offer you my support. May your prayers come true and be strong

  61. 95

    I love you Becca-Boo! And I am both proud and amazed that you wrote this so honestly. It doesn’t really help to give advice, since everyone goes through this experience differently. Just know that it’s okay to feel however you feel. And that you have friends who both love you, and will listen to anything you need to say. Get school started and then let’s hit some lunch. :) You’re the best. Hugging you from across the valley.

    • 96

      Love you Lara! Just know that you’ve been a saving a grace for me these last few months. Our late night, mid day non sense chats are welcomed distractions. I love that we are friends! You make me smile!

  62. 97

    Becca – I’m so sorry you are going through this. I know the heartache can be unbearable at times, but I know (as do you) that you’ll get through it. I’m sure your husband has given you a blessing, but don’t be afraid to ask for another – any time you need it. Hang in there. {{{hugs}}}

  63. 98

    My heart breaks reading this. Thank you for sharing your story. I too have had miscarriages. It is difficult because no matter how much people care about you and try to say the right thing, there really are no words of comfort. Hopefully time will heal this pain you’ve gone through. In the meantime, continue to place your trust in God that he has a greater plan for you and your family and ultimately had a greater plan for the babies you lost. Just think they are with him now.
    On another note, you write beautifully. You should keep writing posts like this from your heart.
    Sending prayers, blessings, and positive thoughts your way.

  64. 100

    No need to apologize, your pain and gried is real. I’ll be praying for you.

  65. 101

    Oh Becca!! I am so sorry for all that you have gone through. My heart goes out to you. I know how hard it is to lose one pregnancy, but to have it happen as much as it has for you in such a small time frame is devastating!! Last year (almost exactly a year ago) I suffered a miscarriage. It is hard enough for my husband and I to conceive…..it took us almost 5 years to conceive our first and the other two are spaced out with a few years in between, without birth control. I became pregnant for the 4th time and I was about 7 weeks along when I started to bleed. I was put on strict bed-rest and I was willing the baby to stay inside and survive. One week later, I started to bleed heavily and lost the pregnancy. I was lost in a heavy depression for about 6 months and since then, I have not been able to conceive and my hormones have been really messes up. I am quite happy that the expected due date slipped by without much notice, but I am really sad and slip into a little bit of depression when I see babies that are about the same age as the one I lost would have been. I would cry each month that I have was unsuccessful in conceiving…..I felt like a complete failure. Two weeks ago, I decided to stop mourning the loss of what could have been and to stop obsessing about conceiving and just live my life and enjoy the time I have with the little miracles I do have before their childhood completely slips away……I have found peace and I can now breath. I will pray for you to find comfort, strength, and peace, too. {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

    • 102

      Thank you Amy. So sorry for your loss as well. I am trying my hardest to not focus on what I’ve lost and what I have. it will get easier. I feel your hug and appreciate it!

  66. 103

    Oh Becca, I’m so sorry for your pain and loss. I can’t even imagine how difficult this would be to go through. Thank you for sharing your story, I hope you feel uplifted and sustained by all of your friends, family, and loved ones who can pray for you and your family during this difficult time. Hang in there my friend:)

  67. 104

    Oh, I’m so so sorry. I had a miscarriage just 2 months ago. I was almost 10 weeks along. Like you, I was alone at the dr. appointment. My husband had something at work come up and I told him to take care of it and not worry about me. After all, we’d done this before and there would be much more to see at the 20 week ultrasound. My first pregnancy had been smooth and easy with no issues at all. So, I was completely shocked when the technician said she needed to go get the dr. I knew then that something was wrong. He came in and gently told me that there was no heartbeat, no movement and the baby was measuring too small for 9+ weeks.
    I am so sorry for what you are going through. I will never ever understand why these things happen. My heart and emotions are still raw, but please know that your story, along with the stories in these comments have given me comfort. This is a sad, sad club that we are in. I will be praying for you. Thank you for sharing your story. I haven’t shared mine publicly (until now, I guess).

    • 105

      TIna, Funny how perfect strangers can give each other comfort when needed! I appreciate your story and know it’s still so new for you too. Hugs to you and prayers for the future for the both of us.

  68. 106

    I am sorry for your losses. Sometimes, although we trust in God, it is difficult to see the plans and lessons. I pray your questions to Him are answered in a way you can see. I hold you and your family in my prayers.

  69. 107

    Becca,

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. Your pain, loss and focus on God will certainly be a huge testimony to others. I know we don’t want to have to live through really tough things to be a testimony, but I love the peace that our Lord is able to provide. I pray His comfort and care over you.

    • 108

      Oh, Becca. What a roller coaster ride you’ve been on. I’m so sorry, and wish I had something profound to say to take away your pain. You and your family are in my prayers.

  70. 109

    I am so sorry for what you have gone through. My heart aches for any Mother who is not able to hold her babies here on earth. I have babies in heaven too. My husband and I became pregnant 5 months into our marriage and were ecstatic to be expecting our first. Before my 8 week appointment I had already bought a crib and several gender non-specific outfits. I was so happy! The night before my 8 week appointment I started feeling weird. The morning of my appointment I was in major pain and cramping badly and new something was wrong. They did a sonogram and told me my baby had died. I was crushed. It took a while of grieving to get over the loss and back to my “normal” self. Naming him helped some. After that I told hubby I needed to stop trying for a while. DH was ready to try again whenever I was ready but it took me 3 years. After that there were 2 years of taking a pregnancy test every month praying this would be the month there were two pink lines. But it never was. When hubby and I were dating we had decided we wanted to adopt and thought it would happen after we had a couple of children naturally.
    We decided to move up our adoption plans and right before Thanksgiving a week before our 6th anniversary we got a call that our son had been born. I was ready to board a plane and wing my way to Africa that day but there was still some paperwork that needed to be processed. A week later, on the evening of our 6th anniversary while we were out to dinner we got another call. The birthmother had changed her mind. We tried hard not to be discouraged because we believe it is best for children to remain with their bio parents whenever possible. It was still hard though. A month later, at Christmas time we received a call about a 4 month old. It took 2 more months to get all of the documents finished so we could go, but he is now our son! While we were there we got to visit the first little boy that we were supposed to adopt. He was at the orphanage. Apparently his Mother gave him back when she ran out of pampers. She decided cloth diapering was too hard and she didn’t want to be a Mom after all. So sad :( Thankfully he now has a family with a local couple who are completely in love with him.

    We have had our beautiful son home for a year and a half. I absolutely love him with all of my heart! About 8 months ago we started the process to adopt again knowing it could take more than a year to get everything done. A few months back we fell in love with a sweet little girl Malia. She was an orphan and was ill but she was a fighter. She needed to get better before we could officially be matched with her but we knew she was our daughter. The one picture I had of her on my computer I looked at several times a day. She was so beautiful I could not get over it. I could not wait for the letter to come in the mail that all of our paperwork had been approved and we were cleared to travel. Tragically I got a heartbreaking email before that happened. “Malia died in her sleep last night…..she was just too weak to fight off the pneumonia and gain weight……” The sweet little face in the picture I had been looking at every day a hundred times a day had died and I didn’t even get a chance to meet her or hold her or tell her I loved her or comfort her or be her Mom. The same gut wrenching sobs from when I lost my first baby to miscarriage were back. Certain songs on the radio like If I Die Young by the band Perry would send a knife thought my heart and tears down my face. But then one day I was reading someone’s blog. Her son was very ill and died at 9 months. This is not an exact quote, but in one of her blogs she wrote about her baby something like: How surprised you most have been to go to sleep in pain and wake up in the arms of Jesus. The truth in that statement soothed the broken places in my heart and as we continue the adoption process and pray for whoever our second child might be I can look to the future with hope again.

    I hope that the broken places in your heart are soothed very soon. It is painful to lose a child no matter how it happens. I am so sorry for your loss.

    • 110

      Oh Sarah, thank you for sharing all of that with me . That statement from the other woman’s blog is such a comfort to me. I am amazed at the tender understandings Heavenly Father is blessing me with through all of these stories.

  71. 111

    Becca I am so sorry! I’m a 3 in 8 myself, only one of the 3 miscarriages was far enough along to require a dr’s help, but even the very early 4-6 week ones were emotionally devastating. I hope you are able to maintain your health through it all. I never thought it would happen to me until it did. We all love you and hope for the best, I pray you’ll find peace through as many forms as you can.

    • 112

      Thanks Ashley. You and I were a week a part. I remember loving your belly at CE. It was a comfort then knowing that your sweet baby knew my little one in heaven. Funny how I think of those things even now when it still hurts. Comfort in little thoughts! Blessings I think!

  72. 113

    I am so very sorry for your losses. I wish I knew what else to say — it sounds like it’s been horribly difficult, painful and frustrating. Thank you for sharing your story with us — I hope and pray that you will continue to feel pain lifting as your bloggy friends circle around you.

  73. 114

    Hi Becca,
    Glad to see you have so much support from people :) I am a 7 in 10 statistic and we lost our 2nd daughter, just after she was born, to polycystic kidney disease. That puts us at 2 living children. I often think “why must a person go through so much heartache?” It’s something that is always there, even when your not thinking about it. Your losses are still so new and fresh. It takes time to find your ‘normal’ again. I do think that I am not as naive as I once was…I feel more educated. I suppose, and I use that to help others who have had or are going through a loss. I know that Heavenly Father knows us and is aware of what we need, even if it isn’t something we want to go through. The hardest part is that it’s not something we can control and we didn’t get to make any decisions.
    I am so sorry for your losses. I hope you do find strength in the journey. Also, there is no timeline to just “get over it”. My first miscarriage was 11years ago and I still remember and I think about how I would have had a 10 year old.

  74. 116

    Thank you so much for sharing your heart!! I have watched my brother and sister-in-law suffer miscarriages & severe pregnancy issues for five years & I could bearly control the pain. I don’t know how they did it, or how you did it. It’s so hard to trust that in situations like this that God is on the throne. That He is still in control & He is not surprised by our situation, paniced & wondering how to handle it. Rita Springer’s “I Have To Believe” instilled so much hope in me. As hard is it is to trust it’s so true! The Lord is in control & has not abandoned you! I’ve added you to my prayer list! :]

  75. 117

    I am amazed at the strength you’ve shown in this entry. I am so sorry you, or anyone, has to go through this. It sounds like you are doing all the right things to heal yourself. Remember, it is okay to sometimes be that needy, fragile friend. That give and take is what makes friendships so special.

  76. 118

    Hello, I have only days ago become a follower (friend) to your blog…I read this story with a Heavy heart…I can’t say that I fully understand your emotions or pain…As I have never experienced this…I can however say that I know the worry and stress that come along with Pregnancy… I get EXTREMELY sick when pregnant…so much so that they put me on every medicine known to mankind…I get 24hr morning sickness and I even get motion sickness just walking to the restroom…I am unable to hold anything down and just breathing makes me Nauseated… Each pregnancy has been a TRUE labor of Love and when I look at each one of them I see the GREAT efforts it took to bring them into this world….I also and most importantly see how Selfless my Saviour was to suffer for my sake….It is something that is so difficult to explain to others who have not gone through something like this…However there is an ability to empathize with one another when there is extreme emotions and pain that leave you feeling Raw and most certainly less human… My husband, children and I will keep your family in our prayers…
    Thank you for sharing and I am so happy to have become a Friend to your Blog..
    Blessings
    Angelina

  77. 119

    what a beautiful story. be not discouraged. enjoy the littles you have.

  78. 120

    Becca- I know you have heard this many many times now, but my thoughts are with you and I understand what you are going through. I have 3 beautiful children. Between the 2nd and 3rd I had a miscarriage. It took me 18 months to get prego with that one. I was devastated. It took me another 18 months to get pregnant with the 3rd. She was fine, but I have never been able to get pregnant since then. Now that I am older, I realize Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us and he loves so much. We will understand “WHY” someday and until then, I am loving my children I do have and I know this is Gods plan for me. You already know all this, but I just wanted to share that with you! Take care and take it one day at a time:)

  79. 122

    I had to keep tears in check as I read this. Miscarriages are such a nightmare. I felt like I was re-living the hardest moment in my life when I read about how you called your husband…. I did that one time too. I don’t remember how I told him, I just remember a lot of tears, on both sides of the conversation. We were hundreds of miles apart. He was about to deploy… We were so happy about our baby, and now that dream was shattered, and we couldn’t even hold each other and cry.

    Truth is, time does heal the pain. Time and the grace of God.

    Here’s a big virtual hug, and a heart filed with love and sympathy for you…. (((<3)))

  80. 124

    My heart is with you. This is a “club” that should have no members. But unfortunately my husband and I are in it with you. In January we found out I was pregnant (SURPRISE!). We spent a few weeks in shock wrestling with the idea of having a teeny baby, a 7 year old and a 9 year old. At 20 weeks a genetics screening came back with bad news. At 21 weeks we confirmed the same. At 22 weeks we had an ultrasound and there was no heart beat. We checked into the hospital and induced. On April 29, 2011 our son was still born. The planned c-section (before all of the bad news) was supposed to have been this past week. I agree that “heart break” is the only way to describe it. I have also found that sharing our experience, and our son Max, with friends and family have not only helped me to heal but also those other who are part of our “broken heart club”. I sat at Max’s grave this week. Praying and crying and wondering why. And all I could think of was that Christ gave His own Son for us. That He knows our heart ache because He went through it as well. He’s part of our “club”. I also recently heard a simple thought that has changed my heart. “God has your best interest in mind”. It’s hard to think that it could be true but Hope and Faith tell us that it is. I’ll be praying for you and your family. Sending lots of love and praying specifically for peace and comfort.

  81. 126

    I’m a new reader of your blog, and I thank you for writing this post.
    I’m also the 1 out of 4 statistic. It’s hard to fully understand until it happens to you.

    It does get better though…stay strong and my thoughts are with you.

  82. 128

    I am so very sorry. I know how it feels to have such a strong feeling about having a baby, and then not being able to get that precious little spirit here. Keep doing what you’re doing! It’s the best way to fight the depression. {{hugs}} Someday, you’ll have your answers.

  83. 129
    Evelyn Burns says:

    Bless your heart. Time will lessen the pain. I’ve been there. Your story has brought back so much of my own pain and sorrow. But, it’s made me who I am today: a stronger, more caring and more compassionate person. You are in my prayers. No one wants to be in this club, but once you’re in it you will find it’s a sisterhood filled with wonderful women who lift you up and who cry with you when you need to cry. I believe I live close to you, please feel free to email if you want to talk to someone who understands.

  84. 131

    I don’t know what to say. So many have had similar experiences and yet each is unique. In my experience, words were not sufficient to console me. After 14 years of trying to get pregnant, I, too, lost a baby at 17 weeks.We had just found out it was a little boy. It is devastating. I was home alone and had to call the paramedics to come and pick me up. I remember the snow, the phone call and apology to my husband, and especially the cold operating room while the doctors waited for the anesthesia to kick in. I now have two beautiful girls. They are each special and unique. Thank you for sharing your experience. It takes extreme courage to share something so personal.

  85. 133

    my heart broke a little as I read your post. I’m so deeply sorry for you loss. I can’t imagine what you are going through but I hope you can find some comfort in the knowledge that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us. He knows what we can and can’t handle and tries us accordingly. I know this is true even after 11 years of marriage and HUNDREDS of pregnancy tests, I’ve NEVER seen that positive sign. but it’s our trials that make us stronger, braver and more compassionate. I leaned heavily on prayers to get me through years of everyone around me having babies. I was jealous, angry, hurt and frustrated. But in the end, the knowledge of the plan is what snapped me out of my depression. Everything we go through happens for a reason even if we don’t understand it at the time. I hope and pray that you feel more like yourself soon and get some happy news! Hang in there!! You are most definitely in my prayers :)

    • 134

      Angie, After this first happened I thought to myself, what would be worse, never having a child or having some, knowing what it is to love a child and then not being able to have them again….truth be told they both suck! I am so sorry. I too have little to say but that I care. Thank you for your kind words.

  86. 135

    I am sure I don’t have the right words to say…what are they exactly? What I do have is a HUGE HUG for you! I’m so sorry for your loss and I am glad you were able to take some time for yourself. That is always a hard move and it took a lot of effort to do I bet. I’ve seen friends go through this. Some let it ruin their life and they literally have a black cloud hanging over their head for years and others embrace it by letting themselves grieve and then put their faith in Heavenly Father taking each day one step at a time., like you are doing. You are awesome. Just remember you are not alone and you have so many people that care about you!

  87. 136

    Oh Becca! I am crying for you! You are in my prayers and I wish you all the best {HUGS}

  88. 137

    I feel your pain, dear! I was pregnant for the first time toward the end of 2009…then I had a miscarriage. Two days before Christmas. While visiting my parents. It was so awful. Your first pregnancy is supposed to be magical. Instead I was the most miserable I’d ever felt. To make matters worse, I now have unexplained infertility. I thought it was terrible having a miscarriage, but it turns out getting to your miscarriage/due date anniversaries every year while still childless and all of my friends are announcing 2nd/3rd/4th pregnancies is beyond depressing. Sigh. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through two losses and those difficult hospital visits. :( Cherish the kids you have. I do ANYTHING just to have one…

  89. 139

    I am so sorry!

  90. 140

    Wow, what an amazing story. I am so sorry for your loss and loss again! I am currently in my first trimester and you just got me bawling, imagining going through that whole ordeal. (Fingers crossed I don’t!) Kudos to you for having the strength to go through that trial and be able to write about it. I’ll be thinking of you and praying for a happier future!

  91. 141

    I am so sorry for your pain and losses. I will keep you on my prayer list.
    I’ve lost 6 babies in 4 pregnancies myself, and have no live children. I understand your pain in only a way
    a woman who has had a child taken from her can. It took a long time to comvince myself that I didn’t do anything to make it happen – that sometimes, these sad things really do JUST happen. Only God knows, and I’ve learned not to question Him either. I do know though, I will be reunited with all 6 of my babies in heaven, as will you. Enjoy the ones you have and remember the ones that have gone on before you. Just because they aren’t here doesn’t mena they weren’t/aren’t real. Women who’ve been through this know that – women that haven’t, well, I wish they could understand that.

    Like you, we chose not to tell family until the right time. Our ‘right time’ never came, so my husband and I bear this alone. All our family knows is that we tried for years to have children and couldn’t. We should’ve let other people in our circle during those times, but we were just too scared of opening up with anyone. Those years are way behind us now, and we’ve moved past it. My husband had 4 kids from a previous marriage, so we’re blessed with 13 grandkids now!

    Sounds like you and your husband have a great network of friends and family to help you through this. I will pray for your recovery, in heart, and spirit, and body. May God wrap his arms of comfort, and protection, and provision around you and lift to higher ground. Bless you for being able to be so real about this. I wish I could’ve been.

    • 142

      Thank you Polly! I don’t know how you got through that all on your own. We all know our healing hearts better then anyone else. I am thankful for your sweet comment and send you my support.

  92. 143

    I am so sorry for you and your family. I pray you will find strength in the Lord and remember that you are never alone. Our Savior loves us unconditionally and knows your pain. I have never personally went through anything that could compare. My mother had 13 miscarriages, but has 4 children here on earth.

  93. 144
    Crystal from Hawaii says:

    May our Father in Heaven carry your sorrow and lift you up!!! I know how you are feeling..I had MANY miscarriages for 8 years before I FINALY became pregnant. I feel for you and just know that you are NOT alone. You are a precious daughter of God who loves you very much. If you get a chance listen to the song “Blessings-Laura’s story” I hope it will help ease your sorrow and maybe help you gain some new perspective and inspiration. I also threw myself into exercise. Does wonders for the body and mind. Its ok….take all the time you need to heal!!! We’ll all be here for ya!!!!

  94. 146

    Becca,
    I’m so sorry! What an ongoing trial! You’ll be in my prayers!
    Sincerely,
    Linda

  95. 147

    I appreciate so much the courage it took to tell your story. I’ve also had scary miscarriages, including one that ended in the emergency room. Hang in there. Trust in the Lord’s love for you, your husband, the children that you’ve been blessed with, and who are yet to come to your family. Perspective and understanding will come. Be patient, as hard as that sounds right now. Sending you a cyber hug from Idaho. :)

  96. 148

    I’m so sorry to hear how difficult the past few months have been. But, I’m glad that you’ve healed enough to talk about it now. I know what you mean about not wanting to tell the hardest things to a lot of people. I’m like that too, probably the times I most need people are the times I find it most difficult to ask for help. I hope that each day continues to be brighter – sending good thoughts your way!

  97. 149

    I am praying for you and your family! I too am a part of this terrible club. I know that look on the U/S tech’s face all too well! I have 5 children in heaven, 3 of which I have never met. I gave birth to twins May of 2010, but they were born too early and didn’t make it. I, however, was so glad I got to meet those two precious little ones! I have since tried again and have endured one more miscarriage. Each loss is just as difficult, in its own way. I pray for peace and strength for you as you walk this road of loss. I have a blog that is dedicated to encouraging others going through infertility or loss. (www.wegentales.blogspot.com) I have a book that has helped me tremendously with my grief, I would love to send you a copy if you would like! What has helped me the most was starting a non-profit to help families who lose their baby in the hospital. We provide boxes with items for the families, to help the family have a memorable experience with their little one. If there is anything I can do for you, please don’t hesitate to email me!
    Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”
    Matt 11:28-30
    The LORD hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who spirits are crushed. Psalm 34:17-18

    • 150

      Shayla, thank you so much for your touching comment. I found your website and read all about your families story and your amazing organization. I donated a box to a family in need and feel honored to able to help support a family during that delicate time. Hugs to you and your husband. Thanks so much for reaching out.

  98. 151

    I’m so sorry to read about your loss. My heart aches for you. Please know that there are many who care about you! :)

  99. 152
    heather cloudt says:

    Praying for you. Our heavenly father loves you!

  100. 153

    Hi Becca,
    I cannot say I know how you feel, but I can say I am sorry for your losses and that you are having to go through this. Take things a day at a time and if that is too long a minute at a time.
    June

  101. 154

    Oh Becca I’m sooo sorry… I had no idea!! I’m pretty sure you know my story, please let me know if you ever need to vent….my situation was different but losses have a lot of similarities. I will pray for you!!!

  102. 155

    I can only imagine the courage it took for you to open up and share this on your blog, and as a follower I am so very touched – and so very sorry for your losses. Although I have not suffered a miscarriage, my husband and I have fertility issues. I know how difficult it can be to see others have babies so easily when it comes so much harder to others. I’m praying for you. Keep clinging to Him for your strength; He will not disappoint.

  103. 156
    Rachel Bevis says:

    Becca,
    My heart breaks for you. I have two beautiful boys with my first husband. I then got divorced, and met my current husband. We got married, and found out we were pregnant right away. I was at about 20 weeks, when I knew something was wrong. I had an ultrasound, and it confirmed no heartbeat. I was shocked. I was put in the hospital to go through labor, and deliver my third little boy. Holding our 1 pound little angel, was the first time my husband had held a baby. It was devastating. A week later, I too, had to go into the hospital and get a D&C. I am so sorry that you had to become a member of this club!

    I guess what I would like to say, is that, all the feelings that you are having, are perfectly normal. I felt a little better after my Due Date. Things are hard for you now, because you may be feeling like I was. I was so angry, because I was “supposed” to be pregnant. I would see pregnant women smoking, and be so angry! There are 5 stages of grief, and you need to go though all 5 stages. I was not going to be mad at Heavenly Father, so I guess I had to be angry at someone?

    Anyway, I went on to have a sweet little boy one year later. I think that I went through this, so that I would be a better mother, and understand how precious my children are. Of course my older sons know what I went through, and my youngest son, knows that he has a brother in heaven.

    Life isn’t better or worse now, it is just different.

    I pray for you, and your family!

    Rachel, mother to
    Devin
    Trevor
    Alan (Stillborn 9/12/2002)
    Rory

  104. 158

    I find our capacity to love a little life that we never had an opportunity to hold in our arms amazing… and devastating. You wrote your story beautifully and I so appreciate your willingness to share your experience; it will no doubt bless so many. My heart aches for you and all of us in this dreaded club.

  105. 159

    Becca, my heart is broken for you in this time of loss; however, my heart is encouraged by your bravery. Testimonies such as yours and the others who have shared their experiences help us all to realize there is strength and power in the “sharing” and that defeat and desperation reigns in silence. My mother had 3 miscarriages and then she had 3 miracles, me being the first. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. (The Message)” Earlier this summer my daughter broke her arm. She handled it with so much courage and strength but at one point she finally let down and wept asking why had God allowed this to happen to her since He was all-powerful. I reminded her that God didn’t break her arm. That was the result of being in this world. However, look at what He taught her through the experience…compassion, empathy, patience, understanding, etc. Likewise, you have learned so much through this experience and be comforted in knowing that God has not abandoned you but has a purpose and plan for your future. I will keep your family in my prayers.

  106. 160
    Julieanne says:

    I’m so sorry. My friend and I ended up getting pregnant the same week. She had infertility and I got pregnant the first time we tried. She miscarried and I am 11 weeks. I’m terrified at every appointment that I will get the same news that you did.

  107. 161

    I’m so sorry for your loss and so encouraged by your courage to share this with us, virtual strangers but yet your friends none the less.

  108. 162

    I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts.

  109. 163

    Oh honey, that’s so hard. I am so sorry for your pain and I’m praying for you and your family right now -esp you that God will bring you the supernatural comfort only He can give. Healing takes time, so don’t feel like you have to “feel all better” by a certain time.

  110. 164

    I said a prayer for you and your family. I can’t imagine your heartbreak… I’m just starting to understand that it could happen to my husband and I. We’re thinking of starting our family in the next year, and I’m finally at a point where I realize (and worry) it might not be in our time. It’s unbelievable that the odds are so high – and that you hardly hear people talk about it. It’s so nice that you have opened up to your readers about this, though I wish you didn’t have a reason to do so in the first place!

  111. 165
    Christine says:

    As mom to one angel baby, I know where you are. In fact, I’m crying right now because you’re description of being in the ultrasound room sent me right back there…those same shoes weighed heavily on my feet as I walked out of the OB office that day. And then going home to take care of things (I decided on the awful pills). Then having to STILL go in for a blasted D&C. Ugh. It is SO hard. I know there aren’t many words that can ease the heartache. I am so sorry, so terribly sorry, that you lost your baby. I cry with you. Many hugs and prayers coming your way.

  112. 167

    My heart aches for you. Hugs and prayers from someone who has been through very similar situations as yours. I hope you find it therapeutic and comforting to share here with your cyber-friends.
    God’s peace and blessings….

  113. 169

    Oh sweetie! There really isn’t anything I can say that will make it ok. If you have never been through something like this, you cannot understand the unique pain. I can tell you that Heavenly Father has a plan for you and things do get better. I know we really don’t know each other but if you ever need anything please don’t hesitate to ask!!

  114. 170

    I am so sorry, for you and Mike. Prayers being said for both of you tonight. :( Take care.

  115. 171

    Becca —

    You are an amazing person. Praying for you and your sweet family.

    Big hugs.

    xoxo
    Jen

  116. 173

    Oh sweet Becca, I am so, so sorry for your loss. Praying that your heart will continue to heal and that all will be well with your little family. You are truly an amazing woman. Sending hugs your way.

  117. 174

    You are brave. I have struggled for years myself, my only pregnancy was an ectopic which ended in emergency surgery. The paragraph you wrote that started with how you miss the person you used to be really hit me because I have felt all of those things. When I hit the bottom I finally went to a counselor and I told her I felt like I had lost my sweetness. She told me that for all that I lost what I gained was Grace. I felt a little comfort in that. Than she asked if I had tried putting my legs in the air after doing the deed, Seriously, not helpful. All I wanted at that time, and still want, was for someone to hear me, to understand. I just wanted to let you know your story touched my heart and I hear you and I’m so sorry.

  118. 176

    Oh Becca… my heart is breaking for you. You will be in my prayers.

  119. 177

    I am so sorry. Am Praying for you in your family.
    Hugs,
    Marie

  120. 178

    I’m so sorry to hear the struggles you have been going through. I know I don’t understand fully what you have been through, but know that there is yet another person cheering you on and sending you as many lovely wishes your way as I can. You’ll be in my prayers. In my own way, I understand what it is like to see everyone around you being blessed with that gift and to wonder what plan is in the works as each month goes by without the assurance that you’ll have a little one in your arms soon. I have found great peace knowing that there is a greater plan in the works though it very difficult to remember on certain days. Oh, my heart aches for you. Again, my thoughts and prayers go out to you at this time. Much love!

  121. 179

    So sorry to hear of the pain you are going through!
    You are in my prayers!

  122. 180

    I’ve never commented here, though I’ve been stalking for a year. Your ache is so devastatingly familiar to me, so I just had to share some love. My heart is with you and your family (who surely feel Mama’s pain in their own ways). Hang in there, my talented friend. You bless the lives of many you don’t even know!

  123. 181

    I am so sorry you had to go through this. Things get easier with time. I just had my 3rd miscarriage at almost 17 weeks this summer, I know the pain you feel. It just plain stinks and the fear of whats to come next is very real as well. Take it one day at a time.

  124. 183

    I’m sorry for your pain. You are not alone. I have had two miscarriages after going through IVF. I can’t get pregnant naturally. I have come to the painful conclusion that my husband and I cannot have children. It breaks my heart every day. Every single day. We also have a failed adoption. I spend my time crying and being depressed. I need something to break my funk. Good luck on your exercising and triathlon.

    • 184

      Oh Erin! Thank you so much for sharing your story! It means a lot to me! I will never understand why some people are not given children while others are. It breaks my heart. Know that I am sending you all the love ans support I can!

  125. 185

    Thank you for sharing your story. I too have been through the pain of a miscarriage and having to have a DNC. I had a failed miscarriage..meaning not only did I suffer the miscarriage my body then failed to fully miscarriage so I need help. We believed God for 10 years and held on to His promises. I was pregnant and my joy was full. I lost the baby at about 5-6 weeks and my heart shattered. But I know I have a baby waiting for me in heaven and I thank Jesus that I will see his/her sweet face. Eternity is forever and this is but a short seperation. This is how I need to look at it or I would lose hope. I have no other biological children at this point but I will accept whatever the Lord has for me. You sound very sweet and I know you will do the same.
    God bless you sweet mama!

  126. 187

    just wanted to send you waves of peace and hugs, although I’ve never met you…
    I’m the mom of three, and a two-time miscarriage momma, and I know all too well that heartache you’re going through right now. I wanted to tell you that it’s totally, completely OK to let yourself grieve in whatever way feels right to you. People don’t know how to comfort you after a miscarriage – and in my experience there was this wave of friends and family trying to be supportive, trying to help you move on quickly, assuming somehow that if it was an early miscarriage there wasn’t a sense of loss or grief on my part… I tried to ride that wave, to pick up my sadness and run as fast I could back to “normal” and back to trying to get pregnant… but my body and my hormones and my heart had other plans.
    It took me months and months to get back to my body’s normal cycle, and it took me months to admit I needed to let that sadness out after the first miscarriage. I wasn’t dwelling on it or even consciously thinking about it until one day, months after my miscarriage, in church the pastor was offering up prayer for anyone who needed it and I broke down crying – I mean hardcore sobbing, the can’t-breathe version of crying… and had a long, deep-down cry that I didn’t even see coming. I realized I’d never really given myself permission to acknowledge the grief, the loss, the little person I already loved , the pain of the journey my body was going through, and its stubborn refusal to go back to “normal” even when my mind wanted to…
    Fast forward a few years and anpother miscarriage later and here I am with three beautiful babies. Blessed. Lucky. Amazed. I don’t know why the miscarriages happened, but I feel called to be a shoulder to cry on when friends andstrangers struggle through the same journey. I feel amazed that God made three beautiful babies in my belly and that He holds two more in his hands. I read and read and read and I balmed myself and my body and I tried to figure out why these losses happened (loved “Coming To Term” if you haven’t read it already)…truly I will never know the “why” behind my miscarriages, but I will never forget the heartache. And I’ve spoken with sixty year old women who have been through this who still remember the heartache when they went through it themselves. It is indeed a grieving process, and a healing process, for both your heart and your body.
    I don’t know what God has planned for your dear family, but I wish you peace, and I pray for your healing, and I thank you for sharing your story, which has already touched so many people’s lives, undoubtedly a blessing to someone else in their moment of need.
    Peace, momma.

  127. 189

    I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. This came at exactly the right time for me to read it.

    I also got pregnant in February with our first and miscarried in March at 6 weeks without warning. One day I was fine, the next day I was bleeding. By the time I was able to get an ultrasound I had already passed the pregnancy. It was a really hard experience. But I was solely focused on when we could start again.

    I got pregnant again in June and I started spotting just after 7 weeks. I was worried it was happening again, so I immediately called my OB and made an appointment to be seen. We did an ultrasound and saw the heartbeat, but there didn’t seem to be a reason as to why I was spotting. The doctor said it was good that my bleeding was unexplained and he sent my on my way. The spotting lasted 2 weeks and then stopped and I’ve been feeling great. I came back to see him yesterday for my 12 week appointment. We were so excited to hear the heartbeat. That was until they couldn’t find the heartbeat. My heart sank. I tried to stay positive and believe her when the tech said that sometimes they have a hard time finding the heartbeat. They moved us to the ultrasound room, where my secret fear was confirmed. I’d been dreading the appointment for the last week because I just knew that something was wrong. I didn’t want to say anything to anyone because I thought it was me being paranoid. Our baby no longer had a heartbeat and was only measuring seven and half weeks. Which means that I have been carrying this nonviable pregnancy for the last three and a half weeks with no sign of miscarriage. We are heartbroken. I really don’t want to get a D&C if I can avoid it. We’re giving it the rest of this week, and if I don’t start to pass it naturally I’m going to have to schedule one on Monday.

    I know it’s hard, and I can’t imagine how scary that was for you, but I just wanted to thank you for sharing. It really helps me to know that I am not allow in this struggle.

    • 190

      Oh sweet friend. hugs hugs and more hugs! I’ll share my experience with my D&C to ease your concerns and help you understand how it goes in case that’s where you end. I was so scared mainly because of the unknown. There really is no way to prepare emotionally so I’ll just skip to what it feels like and the recovery. I was completely put out. I remember being moved onto the operating table and then waking up in a small room. I had ZERO pain after the D&C and that was a huge blessing for me. I naturally expelled the first miscarriage and it hurt a lot and lasted 6 days. I was given a pain medication Motrion 800 mil. but never had to take it. I was in the recovery room for 4 hours afterwords and released the same day. I spent the rest of the day in bed resting and crying but was not in any discomfort. I did have very strange phantom pains in my legs. I could swear I felt restraints on my legs and pressure in my bottom area. I think it was my body recalling the procedure. I had zero bleeding for an entire week following my D&C and starting week 2 I had dark old blood discharge. I was on pelvic rest for two weeks. I know some people bleed a little after so don’t be alarmed if that’s the case. As traumatic as it was to check into the hospital to have my pregnancy removed I still preferred it over my natural miscarriage. You will also be able to flush the hormones faster with a D&C.

      One of the worst things about my both my D&C’s is getting the bills and having them say under procedure “Abortion.” Just be prepared. It’s a punch in the gut. Medically a D&C and an Abortion are the same procedure.

      Hope that helps. I had so many questions and so will you so email if you need to!

  128. 191

    Oh Becca. Oh how I love you. Love you so much. I cannot even imagine. I couldn’t help crying through it all. I have to say you are making me panic even more about wanting another one right now though. I lost a baby at 15 weeks between Tanner and Brayden. It was so hard. Somehow deciding we want to add a 4 makes me worry and stress that it will happen again. Almost as if it is my turn to have to face it again. I know that is not rational, but I just have this pent up stress and worry inside of me even deciding to add another one to our life. Can I go through it again I keep asking myself?? I just don’t know. I keep telling myself “Courage Tasha, Courage” I love you. I am sending prayers and love and hugs to you. I hope every day gets a little easier. You are amazing. Truly a hero to me. Love you.

    • 192

      Tasha, Love you too. I can’t imagine! One of the huge side effects from all of this is my irrational thoughts. I have horrible thought about losing the kids I have or Mike being . I think It’s a tiny case of PTSD. It’s hard to manage. And another side effect is the huge lack of my ability to make decisions. It’s hard to explain. I have this huge HUGE decision to make, try again or call it quits! It’s so monumental I think it effects every little aspect of my life, even where do i put a picture, what color paint. Sounds silly I know but it is really a struggle of mine. I get it! You’d think an answer like this should be so clear but it’s not! Let’s hope we can both find the answers we need! Love ya!

  129. 193

    I just stumbled upon your blog (through a Link Party) and read this captivating piece. You are inspirational not just because of the strength you have exhibited, but because you have chosen to share your story with so many.

    You may not know it yet, but your words will help others and that is so very powerful.

    I wish you great luck in your journey, but it sounds like you don’t need luck, you have all that it takes to make the road ahead bright and well paved.

    Best,
    Meredith From A Mother Seeking…

  130. 194

    I understand all the feelings and fears you are experiencing. I’ve gone through many of the same experiences as you. All I can say is that there are no reasons explanation but time does heal and as a previous reader says don’t give up. I was blessed to have a very healthy 9.3 pound boy who has given us both incredible joy. He was worth all thw heart ache. Prayers for you and Mike.

  131. 196

    Becca,
    I’m so sorry for your loss. It is a club with many members, I’m one too. It’s hard for others sometimes to understand the loss of someone who wasn’t quite here yet. But it is the loss of a dream, of the hope of a future together and all it could have been. We have this hope though, that gives such peace, we will meet our little ones in heaven. Thanks for sharing your story, I missed you during your break and now I understand where you were. With prayers,
    Dannyelle.

  132. 198

    I am so sorry for your losses.

    What incredible honesty. It’s just chill-inducing, and I appreciate it so much, that you would step out and tell such raw truth.

    Amazing.

  133. 199

    We cry and hurt with you. You are not alone. Many of us have had similiar experiences. If you are a woman of faith, remember God keeps your trears in a bottle and knows your heartache. He is in control when everything seems out of control. He can bring beauty out of ashes.

  134. 200

    I know you will receive a flood of responses. As moms, we’ve all been through similar trials. While I am not in this particular club – I have my own. Each club is heart wrenching. I’m sorry you had to go through this. Thank you for sharing with us. I pray you will feel Heavenly Father’s peace. :) hugs.

  135. 201

    I’m so sorry you had to go through this. You are strong! Thanks for sharing with us… you are an amazing woman! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family! Hugs!!

  136. 202

    I hope that putting your story out there helps in some way. I’m so very sorry for your loss. One month ago Monday, we buried our 2 month old baby boy. We still have his twin and big brothers. Life is absolutely nuts right now, I don’t know up from down and I feel like I’m running on reserves… emotionally, mentally & physically! But you’re so right… you become a member of a club, a club that NO ONE wants to be in. In some ways, I’ve found blogging a way to trick myself into thinking life in normal again. We’ll see… everyone says time will tell… I honestly now going through this have no idea if that’s even true… but I guess we’ll find out. Hugs!

  137. 203

    This was very brave of you to write out and share. It means a lot to so many of us.

  138. 204

    Becca,

    It’s been a few years since the BYU 200th ward days, and I don’t know if you remember me, but I have really enjoyed looking at your blog and the amazing talent you have for creating and mothering. I am so, so sorry for what you are suffering right now, and hope that you will find peace and healing soon.

    Take care,
    Rebecca Pincock

  139. 205

    Thank you so much for sharing your experience so eloquently. My eyes won’t stop tearing up. My heart is with you, Becca. I had 3 children then a 6 year gap because I couldn’t stay pregnant for more than two weeks at a time. I eventually did have two more children (which is why I’m such an old mom). I pray that you get the peace and outcome that is right for you, whatever that may be. The Lord loves you & is watching over you.

  140. 206

    I am so, so sorry.

  141. 207

    I am so sorry. It took a lot of courage to say this to the whole wide world out here. My thoughts are with you.

  142. 208

    That was beautifully written. Thank you so much for sharing.

  143. 209

    I am so sorry. Your experience breaks my heart. I pray that things will work out for you. Your writing is beautiful and your strength inspiring.

  144. 210

    I am so sorry for your loss. I was in your situation a couple of years back. I had no problem getting pregnant but couldn’t carry to term. Everytime I went to the doctor it was torture. My first two miscarriages I was told not to worry. My first was at almost 20 weeks:( they told me nothing was wrong that it happens to most woman at least once. By number three my doctor was baffled…every test came back fine. They told me it was fluke and to try again. The next baby had a chromosomal abnormality and didn’t make it to term. This one I could understand but that didn’t make it easier. We tried one more time and lost it also ( three girls and two boys…I will always remember their due dates)We decided not to try again and accept that this was Gods plan. A few weeks later my miracle happened, with help of my doctor and an immune suppressant drug I became pregnant and gave birth to my wonderful son. Every everyday, every doctors visit was beyond scary. I didn’t buy a single thing for the baby and held out on maternity close until I had no choice. I didn’t get to enjoy my pregnancy at all because of my fear. When he was born even my doctor was crying of happiness. A year later I went back for a routine check up and my ob tells me I’m pregnant again( a complete surprise since we used birth control). Back on the roller coaster ride but this time I can’t be on the meds because I didn’t start them for I got pregnant:(. My daughter was born a bit early, a bit small (4 lbs) but today she is healthy, energetic and such a blessing. I know it’s a scary and painful thing to go through, you will be in my thoughts and prayers for a long time. Unfortunately we don’t know what Gods plans for us are but he does have the best plan. I didn’t and still don’t understand why I had to go through such heart ache and pain. I am forever changed by this and you will be to, but you will ok. It takes time. It’s ok to cry, I still do. I am still jealous when my friends tell me they are pregnant(also happy) and envious that they are so carefree in their pregnancies. I will forever think of my babies up in heaven and know that I will be able to hold them one day. Until then I will love them for here. God bless you and your hubby.

  145. 211

    I am so very sorry for your losses. I endured six miscarriages. I am praying for you.

  146. 212

    So sorry for your loss. Thanks for opening your heart.

  147. 213

    I just read this and now have tears streaming down my face. I have a 2 year old daughter and I also have a 3 month old son who would’ve had a twin sister. I lost the twin around 11 weeks and there are so many times I look at my son and can’t help but feel a deep pain in my heart, knowing I would’ve had a baby girl going through these same stages. I know I should just be so grateful for my baby boy (which I am and I love him so much!) but it hurts to think of what could have been. Heavenly Father loves us and our savior knows our pain, He will give you moments of peace in times of struggle, but it still hurts and I pray that you will be able to find that peace when you most need it!

  148. 214

    Becca,
    I wish I had checked your blog earlier. Hope things are going well for you. You lift so many up and it’s our turn to lift you. If you need anything let me know.

    Love you,
    Debbie

  149. 215

    You are so strong to push yourself forward. Your story reminds me of one I would like to share. My oldest sister experienced a miscarriage her first pregnancy. she was 13 weeks along but then started bleeding. They found out later that the fetus was only about 8 weeks along, or had stopped growing then. Devastated, like you, she moved on thinking she was 1 in 4. However a few months later, with her second pregnancy, the exact thing happened again. Of course you then fill with more fear wondering if something was really wrong. She now has 5 kids. You are doing remarkable at keeping your chin up and bettering yourself with each experience whether good or bad, hard or easy. Thank you for sharing your story.

  150. 216

    I am so proud of you for writing all of this down. That always helps me heal, and I hope it has helped you as well. I want to thank you as a loyal reader for sharing your trial with all of us. I’m sure it has helped many people. I feel your pain. I have had 3 miscarriages, all of which were devastating. We found out I had a problem after the first 2, so we got the meds for it, had a healthy baby, got pregnant again, and micarried again. I was hysterical in the poor doctor’s office. It was pretty pathetic. (and my husband wasn’t there with me, either. :() I so feel your pain. I really do. I will tell you, it gets better. IT still hurts, but it’s also okay. I will tell you, I never knew of anyone having any when I had mine and I felt very alone. It was so hard…now that I have been through this I have a lot of sympathy and empathy for those I have enountered since then. You will get through this. Thank you for being honest with us. Take care.

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